Mikya (mikya) wrote,

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I spend so much time thinking about stuff. Thinking, not doing. Thinking about all the possibilities that could be, but never heading towards one.

I've been thinking about grad school and going for a Masters. I've been thinking that I'm not ready for it yet. I'm still so completely unfocused in heading towards a goal and so the task of settling on one, extremely specific field of study for a Masters is a task that is too daunting for me at this point in time. Just going for something random would just be a waste of time and money I don't have. After I graduate in May, I'm going to just try and get a job that I'm qualified for (hopefully within my field) and work at it and see what I learn from there and what direction it leads me in and if that is acceptable to me. Hopefully I'll be able to find a job though, I know so many people that have trouble finding any job, let alone one that actually requires their qualification and I have the mark against me that is the bad reference from my last job, but I'll worry about that one when the time comes.

Another reason I don't think I'm ready for grad school is that I just need a break from school. I've had enough of it. I'm 29 years old and I'm been going to school since I was 2, with pre-k. I had two years off before this year when I had that accounting job and one other semester back in like 2002 or something when I had my gallbladder removed (And I was registered that semester, I just had to drop all my classes halfway through the semester for medical reasons). So for 25-ish of my 29 years I've been in school and it's just getting to be too much. I want to do something else with myself. I want to be more social. I want to have friends where I can get together and do things with them. I see people on Facebook setting up various events or talking about how they're going this or that and I can't participate in the vast majority of them because I have so little free time with classes and school work and WoW, along with a lack of funds because I'm unemployed. Speaking of World of Warcraft, I think I'm nearing the end of my WoW career. I find myself playing it less and less with logging on just for the raids and little else. I enjoy the raids, but the relationships I feel with my guild mates is just so ephemeral and meaningless. Again, I want more with the people in my life.

On the subject of being social, I was invited to a post-Halloween party that was going to happen tonight at some guy's house who I'm casual acquaintances with, having only met him twice. He's sick though so the party is being moved to some person's house that I don't know. The voices in my head have been trying to talk me out of going all day and I don't really want to give into them. Since the guy who was originally going to have the party won't be there cause he's sick there's only one other person who might be there that I know. And I don't even know if she's going or not and even if she does, I'm not really friends with her either since I've only ever seen her on maybe half a dozen occasions. And if she doesn't go I'm just going to be some random guy nobody knows that shows up at a party. My self-doubts are having a field day with that one. As I said, there are all these voices in my head saying "don't go. don't go." but I keep shouting back at them. It's just my social anxiety over meeting people and having them get to know me that's getting me all worked up. I made a post a few months ago how if someone doesn't care about me or accept me then I don't really care about them. That feels like such a lie, but in another way it's not. I feel like I'm walking this fine line between wanting the acceptance of others and caring what other people think as long as it's positive but then if someone rejects me, suddenly I don't care what they think. It makes me feel like such a hypocrite when I do that, when I take some of what people say to heart and brush off the rest. But I do it anyway. And I don't see anyway to stop doing it that wouldn't result in my plunging back into depression.

-=Edit=- the moved party ended up getting canceled too so I guess I don't have to worry anymore about whether I'm going to make any new friends today :/
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