Mikya (mikya) wrote,

Long time no update

Birthday. 29. Each one feels less significant than the last. Just another normal day. Went to school, did my readings, did some homework, slacking now with an entry. So it goes.

I've been feeling so much better in the two years since I was treated for my depression. I don't know where I'd be without treatment; I dealt with losing my job, I found the motivation to return to school and dedicate myself to it, I've tried being more open with myself.

But one thing that hasn't changed is the lack of social-ness in my life. I go out occasionally with people I know but it doesn't seem to mean anything in a larger, connective sense.

On my Facebook, a whole mess of people wished me a happy birthday. I know they mean well and I appreciate the thought, however brief, but on some level it just seems so fake. The majority of the people I've only ever had a fleeting interaction with in this life and haven't talked to in years. If, when they logged into Facebook, there wasn't a little notice on the side on their page saying "Today is Michael's Birthday, come post on his wall!" how many people would've said anything? It's funny that a social networking lends itself to me feeling no connection with this people.

But it's not Facebook's fault that I feel this lack of connection. It's not the fault of the people in my life either. It's my own fault, I've always been incapable of forming lasting bonds with people and simply freeing myself of depression did not solve that issue. I don't even know what to do about it. I'm just so unsatisfied.

On another negative note I don't know what I'll be doing for school. Next May I graduate with my B.A. and then everything is going to change. I feel like my current life is living on borrowed time. I'm broke, unemployed, going to school on loans. But after I graduate that can't continue with that. I'll just be broke and unemployed at that point with another six month clock before the loans start coming due.

That can be avoided if I go to grad school and get a Masters but I'm not confident at all in my ability to get in. I've been going to college more or less non-stop with only maybe two years total off since Fall of 2000. And the first half of that I did so terrible due to a combination of not taking it seriously and my depression rendering me incapable of fulfilling my academic responsibilities. I'm so worried that the GPA from my earlier years will drag me down and get me rejected right off from Grad school. I went to Stonybrook first for five semesters or so pulling an oh so stellar 1.0 GPA, with my last semester there being in 2005, 7 years ago by the time I graduate. Next I went to Suffolk where I pulled a 3.5 and then Old Westbury, where I did terribly the first semester I took there before taking a three semester break. I went back after I lost my job and now have a 3.5 with a 3.84 Major GPA on a 4.0 scale, after retaking most of the classes I failed my first semester at Westbury. I'm still motivated and doing fine in my current classes and if I keep it up and am able to retake the last class I failed I'll probably be over a 3.9 by the time I graduate. I can get glowing reviews from all my Professors, but I feel that that past record is going to be my downfall.

Another shot against me is I started researching grad schools this past week because I need to apply within the next few months or so for Fall 2012 and looking at schools, the only school on Long Island, public or private, who offers my desired program is Stonybrook which, if you go back one paragraph, I don't have a very good relationship with. So I may simply just be boned since I don't have the resources to travel somewhere for away for Grad school.

A third thing is I'm not even sure I really want to go to grad school. At least not right away. I'm 29 years old now and I still don't know what I want to do with myself. But I know I love learning so school seems like a good choice, but post-undergrad I need a specific direction to go in, not just take whatever. The degree I'm getting now I was just kind of pushed into it by the forces around me and while I enjoy it it wasn't really my choice, I just rolled with it. But I feel the pressure to go to continue going to school just to avoid... whatever is out there just a little longer.

I just don't know.
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